#24062017 – Anxiety & Stability

I still remember the days when my friends and I were sending 2016 off – goodbye 2016, thanks for making us so ridiculously busy! 

As it turns out, 2017 has only gotten even more hectic. 

My sister-in-law gave birth to the first grandchild of my family and we are all busy making sure things go right for pregnancy, confinement and being the Public Relations Office in face of family and friends with their well-wishes. 

It is a little surreal. Some time after the birth of our first 3rd generation member, the Taiwanese director Qi Bolin passed away during recce trip. 

You know how some older relatives would comment that we only show up during CNY? So I took the effort to visit her some time last week. 

It was a weird meeting up. She used to be so worrisome and pessimistic, cautious about everything she eats. But when we met, she became cheery, outgoing and gave me a red packet. 

It’s some money memento for your keepsake!

My mum wanted to treat her to a good meal and I told the old lady, it’s too spicy afterall. You’re at this age so don’t eat too much in case you feel discomfort later. 

The usual response from her would be one of fear, of logic, saying yes she wouldnt eat too much, that she is worried too. 

But no. 

She said she has lived till this age, that she wants to live out the rest of her life as she deems fit. Late life #YOLO, that is. 

When I got home later that day and open the red packet, it was some vintage Singapore coins and notes. But somehow my heart wouldnt stop hurting. 

It almost feels like a goodbye. 

Then something jolted my memory. Whilr we were talking about the latest addition to our family (granddaughter) by my eldest brother, she said she wouldnt have the time to see my elder brother’s. 

But you have to. You got to live till his grandchild graduates from Poly! 

…because that is the biggest wound of my life without grandparents. But she said somewhat firmly, that she doesnt have time anymore. 

My heart has been so heavy these days. 

Here is a new little life just starting and there… seems to be an end. Somehow it is making me emotionally unstable and anxious. I cant sleep. I cant function 100%. 

I need some peace. 

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